I feel pain

In my body and my mind and my heart. I don't like my lifestyle. I'm pushed to hard for no good reason. I don't think I can keep doing this. My health is suffering. All because of those loans. They loom over me. I want to run away to a lost city in Missouri where no one will find me ever again.

My body feels tubby and wubbly and when I walk I hate myself. I imagine what I look like to others. Worthless. Fat. Waste of space on this planet.






I'm gonna die alone.

153.2 and eating while traveling

This morning in the mirror

I wanted to weep looking at my puffy arms and body. I'm like a marshmallow. My handsome fit boyfriend is coming here tomorrow to spend a weekend away with me (I'm traveling for business) but I actually had this thought run through my head about how pathetic I am and his much he deserves to just have a beautiful healthy sexy confident girlfriend.

I hate that I've let myself go. Again. Third time in 4 years.

I'm feeling so revolting.

More of the food.

All the food.

154.4 : I'm a failure.

Day 13 : 154.2 (diet isn't for me)

Ok. Diet isn't my strong suit. We must try exercise. I keep wondering if I just lost water weight or what.

150.8 socks only

I ate before 10pm last night and I think eating earlier does make me feel better and lighter in the morning.

Worried that I'm feeling kinds manic though.

Day 11 : 152.2 and bread

Day 10 : 152.6

Last night

I drank three whiskies cause I couldn't fully process Philip Seymour Hoffman's death.

I also ate a large bowl of gluten free rice flour pasta and marinara with mushrooms.

It's 7:30 and I should be heading to the gym.

So much to accomplish over the next few days. I'm in a bit of a panic.

Day 7 : 151.6

How can that be true? My weight must flux about 4-5 lbs every day. Water weight must've been lost this week.



So the I has dropped enough to keep me borderline but not make me feel complete panic.

Bread

No more I say! You are a banned till the Fourth of July when you shall be wrapped around a burger or hot dog!!!

One meal kinda day

Went a little hog wild. No bread for me. Just meat and beans and 3/4 of that Mac n cheese. Vodka cherry lemonade that was mostly ice.

Movie date

So I opted for water, four handfuls of salty popcorn and 6 pretzel bites with that fake cheese.

All in what do you think? 200 calories?