153 lbs and ready for change

So I was in a hotel last Wednesday night. I was naked walking in front of some very big, tall, floor to ceiling mirrors in the bathroom area and I looked. I don't usually look at myself; I don't allow it to happen. I close my eyes when I walk past a mirror and when I wash my hands in the bathroom I don't look up.










So I see this. This disaster that is 31-year-old me. It's the sand disaster I turned into before with my ex boyfriend. The reason he hated me. I'm fat. I've never been thin. If I was, it was because I was depressed to the point of nausea all day long and night. So I write my boyfriend an email. To which he never responds.

I want you to know that I'm sorry I haven't been taking good care of my health and my body over the last year. I feel like I've "really let myself go."

And it definitely shows.

I caught a naked glimpse in the mirror at the hotel tonight and my fears of how sickly and heavy and odd I look on the outside are 100% a reflection of the stress, heaviness, icky, gross and low energy things I've been feeling on the inside.

I have to change this. I will change this. But I need your help. Can I count on your support to be part of an encouraging atmosphere where you gently remind me/us to be healthy? I need you to help me treat myself better.

As we age, your health and my health are going to be more vital than anything when it comes to making our relationship strong and wonderful and even more fun than it already is. I love you.

I'm sorry for my seemingly constant struggle. My weight has never been easy to maintain or change without extreme measures but I think tonight I'm having a little fear about how to make health a priority. If I do nothing and make no progress then I'm being disrespectful to myself (and extremely disrespectful to you).

You deserve the best version of me I can pull together. That's what I want.

Xo.


Anyway. Like I said, no response. In fact, it turns out he never read the email. Didn't even know it was in his inbox.

I guess that proves I'm in this shitty situation alone, where I deserve to be. My man is a great man, but I need to be a great woman. Back to independence. Back to who I am when I'm alone and not putting other people and things first?