I'm not a depressed person. At least I haven't been lately. Too busy to feel depressed and too in love to feel angry with the world. I am still, however, on this weight struggle that I just can't seem to kick start or maintain or commit to in any way shape or form.
I keep rewarding myself with food treats and working so late at the office all I want to do is crawl in bed at night after eating a super late dinner with a my handsomeface boyfriend. Not to mention the girls at my work table all seem to have the metabolism of a 16 year old girl. They take coffee and candy breaks almost every day!!! (And I can't let the office gossip go on without me so I must go with!)
Genetics.
This Sunday was Mother's Day. I went to see my mom who has lost about 60 lbs in the last year by having a paralyzing fear of having food allergies. She claims she cannot eat histamine-heavy foods. I'm not really sure what she eats really. It seems everything is on the do not eat list so she's using it as a excuse to starve.
Her mother was morbidly obese, my grandmother. Gran, as we called her, was the epitome of bad habits, complete with anger, depression, and hoarding. I think she was a very difficult person to love ever since her husband, my grandfather, passed away when my mother was 12. So there Gran was a single mom in the 60's with two little girls and getting fatter and fatter as she soothed herself with yummy foods. Sugar. Always sugar.
I've got to master my genes and not starve myself the way my mother has been. I know I'm inclined to be large and lethargic. But I also know simple ways to combat my sugary tendencies. I just need to start using them. What's really stopping me?
I think I'm afraid. Afraid to be perfectly content in a way my mother and grandmother never were and probably won't be. I want to focus my energy on loving my man and being a good gal and a better friend but damn if I don't need my health to do both those things well.
156. Let's try this one more time.
